a) of a young girl

2008-03-25T23:21:00.001-04:00

no, we don't go easy
no, we won't come fast
lock me up outside your garden
i have to figure you out first
from a distance...

don't hold me close
don't go burning your soul
this is the way
i wish you would feel
don't hold me close
but love me, dear

i'll wait for you to catch up
you have the endurance
im stuck with the speed
i won't sweet talk my way in now
from a distance i'll...

hold you close, dear
don't go burning your soul
this is the way
i know we feel
don't hold me close
but love me, dear

budding romance

2008-02-23T11:25:00.002-05:00

i know im a bit late, but i didnt want to wait til next year.

In the Victorian era, flowers were a language. When a suitor sent a woman primroses, for instance, it meant he couln't live without her. If she replied with striped carnations, the lady was refusing him. A bouquet of ambrosia? His love was requited! But what are the implications of a twenty-first-century beau's giving his Valentine a Marc Jacobs pink crystal-posy cuff or Liz Goldwyn's rosy copper bracelet that looks like it's made of velvety petals? He loves you or he loves you not? He absolutely loves you.
Bottega Veneta
Liz Goldwyn
Missoni
Marc Jacobs

strutting your stuff.

2008-01-29T16:19:00.000-05:00

my boy's my star.

please everybody, buy something exotic this year. there's a desperate need for some energy. and then somebody: go look up balenciaga collection. s/s. - the life energy and psyche are at once the driving force and resource of a work

so lately ive been doing marker and:
i lost my rationality.
the whale rested in the belly of the sea.
it's happy days picking through the garbage for your health.

where am i at:
COMMUNICATION. EXPRESSION. EMOTION.

i found my jvis:
i am interested in arranging materials in an aesthetically pleasing manner. i enjoy being creative and original in the applied or fine arts. i am interested in investigating and learning about various aspects of the organization of society, human behaviour, and social interaction. i am perceptive, inventive, sensitive, imaginative, and aware of my environment.

remember our 'i am' statements from grade nine? (vriend anyone?)
i am a sick teenager scraping to find some focus. i am sensitive to my stuffed animals. i am head ache-d. i am a weary angel. i am crawling still. feels like i can't shake my embarrassment sometimes. i want to have control of what people do to me, but im still tossed back and forth by nasty intentions and one-eyed men. i can't keep my eyes open at night anymore, but i can't sleep either. life is too good to dwell on the broken. and like i said, struggling for focus.

i want a more sophisticated writing style and some creative energy.

love,
deep blue suit

postd

2007-12-13T21:07:00.000-05:00

what reminds you of christmas?/what things do you associate with christmas?

ill start (and take some of the easier ones):
clementines
bird feeders (cause for some reason my dad always gives a bird feeder to somebody)
snowmen
cinnamon sticks
that tree smell;)

need to take a holiday

2007-12-12T21:49:00.001-05:00

holiday - boys like girls

stuck in the middle with you

2007-11-23T16:44:00.001-05:00

dec6

just for the sake of seeing if i can still do this.

"there's really no way to reach me, cause im already gone."

i always make it a matter of writing something that other people want to read. and recently, for me, its been a matter of writing something that shouldn't be on a blog...or rather, something thats better than blogging. if you havent noticed, there's a collection of phrases that we all use just about every time we write. ive already used...three. ill leave you to figure that out. o, four.

"there is nothing new under the sun" read Ecclesiastes 1 for me would you?

what if we've found our future already?

just to let everyone know:
ryerson - fashion design
ocad - art! /design
redeemer - sociology/social work, french, art
...more to come...(?)

it feels so good to be on the road to somewhere. in the most literal of ways and so not. its on a night like this when i feel like i finally have that pony to tack and release that teenage angst(in the way that its really non-existant). its when the weekend is coming and when i spend night after night at the kitchen table cutting and pasting on my art project. its michael w. smith playing Christmastime. it feels so good to feel like you're on the edge of something and then actually fall into it, so good.
she unplugged the fridge early.thank God

max

landing on the moon

2007-10-21T21:14:00.000-04:00

"As long as people have been on this earth, the moon has been a mystery to us. Think about it. She is strong enough to pull the oceans, and when she dies away, she always comes back again. My mama used to tell me Our Lady lived on the moon and that I should dance when her face was bright and hibernate when it was dark. Now it won't ever be the same, not after they've landed up there and walked around on her. She'll be just one more big science project."
- The Secret Life of Bees

2007-10-13T23:18:00.000-04:00

i actually cant taste.

semi

2007-09-15T00:47:00.000-04:00

what do i want to do with my life?
that question suddenly took on a new angle tonight. so far up til now ive thought of that question as a sort of scary thing answered by something like: go to university, study, get a job i like, get married, do the kids thing, grow old, be happy. and that just about covers it all. but tonight on the way home from Georgetown on my way past Mississauga i realized that question has so much more depth than i ever thought it might. my English self creative piece has been in my head all day. in it, i described myself as a stereotype. on my way home i thought about my identity. my identity is not my church, school, friends, family, etc. but it is shaped by those things. the success of the relationships i have with the world, within the world, and without the world will continually depend on my choices and decisions every second of every day. its those decisions that answers the question of what i want to do with my life and i guess more importantly, what i will do with my life. unfortunately this late discovery has only made me more frightened and more unsure in some of the decisions i am facing right now.

and so it is
just like you said ti would be
life goes easy on me
most of the time
and so it is
the shorter story
no love, no glory
no hero in her sky

i cant take my eyes off of you
i cant take my eyes off you
i cant take my eyes off of you
i can take my eyes off you
i cant take my eyes off you
i cant take my eyes...

and so it is
just like you said it should be
we'll both forget the breeze
most of the time
and so it is
the colder water
the blowers daughter
the pupil in denial

i cant take my eyes off of you
i cant take my eyes off you
i cant take my eyes off of you
i can take my eyes off you
i cant take my eyes off you
i cant take my eyes...

did i say that i loathe you?
did i say that i want to
leave it all behind?

i cant take my mind off of you
i cant take my mind off you
i cant take my mind off of you
i cant take my mind off you
i cant take my mind off you
i cant take my mind...
my mind...my mind...
'til i find somebody new
blowers daughter - damien rice

im not pleased, but i still sit up late waiting for you to come home. and so it is.

my eyelids laugh at me,
max

people watching

2007-08-27T22:39:00.001-04:00

[best way i could think to introduce/welcome]
hear the gate through the window so i walk out my door.
"i love you"
"hi squirt"

ive been on my way to considering giving all this up. who needs yet another person pushing consumerism down their throat, no one need another person telling them from the page what they already know and are too afraid to admit. who needs to be sold anything in this country anymore. we've got it already down, in our heads, in our closets, in our voices...that sweet fakeness every teen girl adopts by age 16, its coming out of our tv screens and through our stereos. everything is sugar coated, we know it all but still have no real idea. the hearts in this country are turning to ashes. we're speeding down the path to death of so much than life faster than we drive down the freeway, why would i join in and launch myself into a downward spiral? so what about i go and do something worth God's time. refugee camps, civil war, alcoholics and druggies, handicapped, abused children, rape, murder, persecuted Christians.
Matthew 25:34-36, 40 - "'For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'"..."The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'"

this is how far i got with my songs:
human - jon mclaughlin
someday - nickelback
try too hard - teddy geiger
its too late - carole king
amelia's missing - jon mclaughlin
just give it time - jon mclaughlin
testify to love - avalon
off by heart - city and colour
ant farm - eels
escuchame - jaci velasquez
cannonball - damien rice
how could i survive - neverending white lights
how come - ray lamontagne

a while ago we had chinese. two cookies...two fortunes:
#1: you have discovered a jewel. cherish it.
#2: there are big changes for you but you will be happy.

[on a different note; at the park]

its the visual and active part of things that really does the job in cleaning my head. i have to go fast or far, and i need change and newness...presence. its the idea that as i go, i lose some of the nonsense so whats left is free to straighten itself out. more distance, more movement, more wind slapping me over the face.
"oh, i think itll be cute, little baseball hat, knapsack, show up with the video camera, make him watch it when he turns sixteen...i think ill take the day off work too."

"i go to lift you out and you push my hand away...how am i supposed to help you?"
little bike with orange fluorescent wheels, orange flag off the back, and a yellow bell. yellow slippers, dry bathing suit bottoms, wiggly bottom, and childish mumbles from a raspy smokers voice. boy with a girls name. creepy girl with her blue pen.
"wanna know why? cause he wants to try to get more pushes"
"now we're playing musical swings"
im not going to be the type of mother that talks down to her children.
"i cant remember the last time i was on a swing"
ya, thats right. give the park back to its children. yep, lets stare at the writing girl...aaaand there goes the soles of your shoes.
"now with the school board you have to fill out ten different forms to go on a picnic!"

this, this is where i want to be left, here long enough that i can tell the difference in the clouds from the time i come to the time i leave. its the moments i cant resist. its wearing the wrong shoes because they're more comfortable. its that bird is hopping from one reed to the next trying to find one thatll hold it. how many times have you passed up on a moment cause the timing was off, or you were trying to stay sane and make decisions you felt good about. "hold on let me fix my gears." hold on, let me fix my morals.

there was an old, put together, man in the park. he was people watching. he walked around the park once, i lost track of him a few times. high black dress socks, a truckers hat that didnt quite fit his head, and on his walk around, he found a walking stick. he shaved it off, sanding it smooth, on the curb. the awkward part: he was people watching me and i was people watching him.

five minutes to six and nothing down on paper yet.
its this: what have i already given.

the thought is so glorious. "it all seems so romantic til you land. ting. romance dead"

max.

2007-08-27T18:09:00.000-04:00

i still cant post. everything has become so fact.

2007-08-03T00:55:00.001-04:00

applicable?
what, can you do me greater harm than hate? hate me? wherefore! what news my love! am not i hermia? are not you lysander?...since night you loved me, yet since night you left me! why, you left me, o the gods forbid, in earnest shall i say!?

when the saints go marching in

2007-07-25T08:12:00.001-04:00

the problem with these variety shows is that the audience isnt expecting an hour and a half solid performance. they just dont have that kind of attention span.
---
these moments one would read about in a book, or hear through poetry or music, a mix of all the climatic moments, minor moments, and especially the background stuff that makes the movie interesting. and the ones that just exist subtract the buildup or Hollywood ending...no idea how the story started and most distractingly no idea how it ends. instead the tiniest clip of someone else's life transforms in my mind to be a most tragic or glamorous awakening. God chooses.

A middle aged woman with orange skin and ratty black hair draped down her slouched back sits on the street corner. Her feet rest on a saturated wooden block in front of her. The dirty spitting rain smudges the streaks of shoe polish on her face where she must have itched then scratched with her filthy fingernails. She grips a torn rag in her left hand, tosses it to her right, and squeezes it out. Her head bobs, following the rhythm of the water drips as they drop from the rag into a small, brown puddle next to her humble spot. Three other men, mostly older than herself, crouch beside her in a row, occasionally standing to roll their ankles or call out a price for their service. The woman does all her work on the ground. A young man passing by stops and puts his shoe up onto the first of the wooden blocks, the block of the oldest man. The elder whips out his rag, grins, and polishes, all the while hissing a tune through his rotting teeth. Each of the others watch with sagged shoulders and jealous eyes but the woman diverts her attention to catch a screaming child running from inside the tipped garbage bin behind her. The two are dressed similarly, drab, tired, and dirty, but the boys face is brighter as he holds out a plastic bag with a half eaten bun inside. The woman steals the bag from the boy, takes the bun out, and shoves it in her face tearing off a bite of the bread then handing the leftover chunk to the waiting hands. He takes it in his little fingers and perches on the ground beside the sad woman and gnaws away at the rest of the bread til its gone. the woman, seemingly rejuvenated, wrinkles her face calling out her service price and motioning at the wooden block in front of her.
---
good morning sunshine. every year since i was old enough to understand responsibility even the smallest amount, a little while after my birthday, i recognize that once again im going to have to take on a little more. this year, with the flip and all, its the same ordeal only perhaps more intense. with this coming season, starting now, i can see myself going places that yet again ive only read, heard, or watched in fictional stories. its frightening but here goes: the unavoidable influence the decisions of this year will have on the rest of my life has been hardly welcome so far. but with the recent responsibility recognition im getting used to the idea.
---
can i recognize my own faults? do i pinpoint anyone elses? am i insulted when other people confront me about mine? what are my excuses? how do i justify my sinfulness?
judgement
---
i woke up at four o'clock this morning. im sick and i cant get over the jet lag. a combination i do not agree with.
tarajoy
here's to hoping i dont erase this one.

2007-07-06T09:41:00.001-04:00

in china

2007-07-02T11:22:00.001-04:00

.

.

2007-06-17T13:34:00.000-04:00

saved draft.

2007-05-15T22:37:00.000-04:00

hero is a man named job
love is the answer! what was the question?
my brain broke, so i better drink some coke.
god its good to see you smile.
their bodies rotted away and left cavities in the petrified ash. plaster of paris was injected into the ashen moulds to for life-like statues of hte volcano's victims.
november, waa, ha, HA!
kids grow great down here and the map'll find me my way back if i ever want to get prodigal.
might just stick the spear right away
christmas is coming
AIDS
don't talk of june, don't talk of fall.
green circles on red.
lips ticked smile
picture your monster in the closet

love your dear,
friendship.

peeelow fight

2007-05-13T17:18:00.000-04:00

sometimes it just goes like this: people finally get cool
pillow fight at nathan phillips square yesterday

I'll hold my tears for years thinkin' it's doing me good

2007-05-02T09:52:00.000-04:00

Hello again, it’s you and me
Kinda always like it always used to be
Sipping wine, killing time
Trying to solve life’s mysteries

How’s your life, it’s been a while
God it’s good to see you smile
I see you reaching for your keys
Looking for a reason not to leave

If you don’t know if you should stay
if you don’t say what’s on your mind
Baby just breathe
There’s no where else tonight we should be
You want to make a memory

I dug up this old photograph
Look at all that hair we had
It’s bittersweet to hear you laugh
Your phone is ringing I don’t want to ask

If you don’t know I’ll understand
If you stay, hey, I’ve got a plan

You want to make a memory
You want to steal a piece of time
You can sing a melody to me
And I can write a couple lines
You want to make a memory

If you don’t know if you should stay
And you don’t say what’s on your mind
Baby just breathe there’s no where else tonight we should be
You want to make a memory
You want to steal a piece of time
You can sing the melody to me
And I can write a couple lines
You want to make a memory
You want to make a memory

bon jovi - make a memory

2007-04-23T12:45:00.000-04:00

flow!
scene
broken social
broken social scene
déjà vu
blue
i never remembered
into every life a little...
overcome by the power they...
poison
gee
responsive
memory goes up and down depending on the type of love?
rate of memory
longevity of memory
memory desire
memory loss
memory lost
mem
même
s
a
v
e
click
up and down and /still/ all over the place.

2007-04-10T19:51:00.000-04:00

matching

refreshingnnnnnnnnnnnnnncreativity
crispnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnpersonality
circularnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnsensuality
sicknnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmorning
tragicnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnsmile
rapturousnnnnnnnnnnnnnngratification
apprehendingnnnnnnnnnnnrationality
provocativennnnnnnnnnnnnsimultaneity
shrinkingnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnhallelujah
imprisoningnnnnnnnnnnnnninsanity
rabidnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnrabbit
fetchingnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnntruth
lostnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnviolence
ornamentednnnnnnnnnnnnnmorality
severennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnbreath

i hate to give you what i originally thought cause it ruins your interpretation. refreshing personality, crisp morning, circular smile, rabid rabbit, severe morality, tragic hallelujah, apprehending violence, sick rationality, lost sensuality, ornamented gratification, fetching creativity, rapturous insanity, shrinking simultaneity, imprisoning truth, provocative breath

2007-04-10T16:56:00.000-04:00

ill just get straight to the point:
blogs are all about self recognition and discovery. why other people like to read that? i have no idea. and why we deny it so poorly? again: no idea.

thus

i adore pretty much anything that comes in a bowl.
i have this obsession with passion. be passionate about something and hallelujah.
you know how most people's teeth hurt when they eat cold things? like ice cream. my teeth hurt when i eat hot things.
crossed legs are so much more comfortable.
music has the same way of making me feel inferior as ...i cant think of anything. it just makes me feel inferior.
before the play i did my nails every other day. now i just make sure they're not dying.
i had a dream about how to spell lie, lying, lay, laying..etc. thats how much it haunts me.
i have never in my life listened to point of grace, that i know of.
11<-- i dropped an irish rovers tape on my keyboard and the '11' came out.
i always feel like im not going fast or slow enough. its never just right.
i dont much like it when one speaker works and one doesnt.
im horrible at pet peeves
determination come and goes so fast sometimes i just dont grasp it for a week or so
one good thing in my life and id be satisfied with just that it seems
i always want what i cant have
i get grumpy when i havent had my hug <-- the only t-shirt ive ever had that said more than a word or two
aladdin
whats a good note to end on?

tj.

2007-04-02T16:59:00.000-04:00

You always want what you can't have
for you i will~teddy geiger

caught you

2007-04-01T14:36:00.000-04:00

im practiced:
if i close my eyes just so and i part my lips just right. i can settle into a routine of complex breathing in mock sleeping. perfect for a complex situation. his t-shirt is dampening my forearm. it feels like it did last week, and the week before, for as long as i can remember. when i reached out for your hand and you were too weak to lift me up, i salute you. it was easier to be asleep for you than let you or i wander into our final conclusion. i am too nervous for love. mon coeur, mon amour.

same old song

2007-03-29T22:19:00.000-04:00

option a b c or d. no idea what 'vouloir' what 'devoir'.

since when do ceiling tiles answer back, do oven clocks work through blackouts, does time actually deal with magic, or christmas trees seriously rot out with spring. since spiders crawled on my ceiling, my oven clock is analogue, magicians got good, and woodchippers were invented. sick is to green as romance is to red.

the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. the wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the school. - got enough stories to last a life time and you're going to get rid of that picture right? but no because the flashbacks are safer because 'deal those cards!'

grade seven eight and nine you finally begin to understand metaphors. metaphor your life: l'imperatif. if i had a background. she went for a walk in the theme park in her home town. (a traveling circus?) hair was backwards. came back two years next and hair faced forwards cause of all the people she met a year and a one ago.

when is spam going to attack facebook?

beckyeow

2007-03-15T17:37:00.000-04:00

Becky Yeow

oregon

2007-03-08T01:46:00.000-05:00

these things are for negetive thoughts.
words wont work well. At Al.
does anyone need an imaginary friend? i just stumbled. dave and i were talkin' (i capitalized dave and backspaced it) a couple nights ago 'bout his buddies. you know whats sad, we always talk about me, never about him. so finally i got past myself. took me long enough eh? Al's the guy now. dave's buddy. if you take him, you better capitalize him. it just works that way. package deal. oregon trail.

there's got to be some mistake. she's got to be there.

love,
sleeping with the lights on.

2007-02-19T19:35:00.000-05:00

this is until i get time to blog tala:
TALA & HANNAH!
guess what!!
only THREE more days til we see eachother again!
(that is...if you're still comin') !!!!

2007-02-09T00:27:00.000-05:00

so whats the plan God?

2007-01-31T21:07:00.000-05:00

its been done before.

im tall.

2007-01-29T18:19:00.000-05:00

news flash:

all hope is not lost. tara grew! i am officially 5'3" & 3/4 eeeeh!
sadly though: secretly i do believe i was 5' 3" & 1/2 before, so its only a 1/4 inch. but still!

i am soooo tall now!

ive got nothing

2007-01-27T00:00:00.001-05:00

brents song

A scent of hope in this lack of direction
a smile on a face that seemed so tired, drunk and weary
A heartbeat against a flat line on a machines diagnostics
a heavyweight against every other metaphor
Every other word you could think of
A sunshine, a brighter time
Tears on the face of a man ready to break
Tears he would rather disguise
Just another person glad to wake today
Another hopeful lyricist on your case tonight

Checkmate
Amongst every last fault I could pick on
take my hand
I'm not into trust since the very last time
hold on tight
I think I could just about get used to this
don’t let go
I think I’ve found the best way out

Walk me home amongst the broken glass
the random strangers and the police tape
against the backdrop of this suburban clamour
we can make our very own composition
Under these very streetlights, let the actors commence
let me fade stage left, did I even get your name?
Just a number will do
I've got nothing more than 1111 tonight

"by chance, a subject for a short story"

2007-01-24T21:07:00.001-05:00

i gave up and made a list:

virgin forest
just a little affection
i wish to God id never clapped eyes on you
l'homme qui a voulu
sleeping with the lights on
and all the little lovelies scampering through the forest
if i were to film a nursery rhyme
style of writing
last words on death bed
candle scent
ping pong game
owl burrow
mad lib storytelling
Christian hearted
rererererererererererererererererererererererererereRERErerererererererererererererererererererererere
ray

SHLDA matilda
SFSTDW fastened
HAFLMD flammable
HAEOM halo
EOWT erodite
SBTA substance
TFMRB thimble
THRD third
JAPGWT jarred
AHLCT architect

C see
AELFP antelope
TMH tamagotchi
OMTSVLT omelet
HOT hot
TJAGUT tangled
DLG dangling
TFBW double

WMHABG wannabee
RSPT respect
ABSC ambidextrous
WMVOC violent
UTVSLAC enslave
FSLGYN fling
JNWD warden
GNMT mountain

first post

2007-01-17T22:01:00.000-05:00

Hello/Hi/whatever else

Ok, I had nothing to do and this is what happened: Wow, I feel all high tech with my “good” blog, after closing my door on livejournal/msn space/drama blog and all else in that world (but im getting’ help with it, so if any cool stuff shows up…I cant really take full credit). So all this really is, since Im not too sure on how this will turn out, is a post which is a post, as a post, makes a post, and its pretty much just a post, on a post. POST on my blog. Moving on, Just to explain a few things: Yes, my previous blogs have been ruined by invasion of the opposite sex, or just any old opposite. Yes you must add me to your links, everyone seeing this right now, I must first create a huge connection of people before this can be worth anything. Do it now! Yes, I’m open to suggestions here, bring it on. Yes, I fell into peer pressure, darned idea must-have-blog. But no matter, now im up for comments too. Yes, this sucks cause I’m not in the mood really (then why the heck did I sign up for one of these? Somebody save me!)

Ps. My dedication goes out to none other than dave harolds. Thank you, thank you very much. and goodnight. One really cant help it when they get brainwashed.

Maybe ill think of something better to say later. Here we are.

secret

2007-01-16T22:58:00.000-05:00

i like the art project. its so tedious. but so fun, i cant help myself.

connie in egypt

2007-01-13T18:26:00.000-05:00

CONNIE IN EGYPT
this is the play one of my monologues is from.
'I also had a look at the sphinx this afternoon and it was impressive too, even though she seems to have let herself go just a bit. There was a guided tour passing when i was there and i sort of tagged along for a while but the man was speaking french so i wasn't as enlightened as i could have been. in french though, the sphinx is called "la sphinge", which i thought was kind of elegant.
"je suis la sphinge. qui etes vous?"
"moi, je m'appelle connie."
"ah connie, donnez-moi une cigarette, s'il vous plait."
"mais sphinge, je regrette que je n'ai pas des cigarettes. je suis une...non-smoker."
"ah, c'est dommage. mais, pas des regrettes, connie. pas des regrettes. ce sont les mots eternelles de la sphinge, las phinge, la sphiiinge..." '

givenchy

2007-01-10T21:06:00.000-05:00

the problem with memorizing lines is that i cant listen to music at the same time. i feel gypped. nice word.
http://www.givenchy.com/Mode_EN/default-back.php - hannah take a look! and anyone else.

wish me love!

2007-01-05T01:20:00.000-05:00

jess, do you read this? ;)What's your fav. colour?

has anyone done any sketching?

2007-01-01T20:10:00.000-05:00

im gonna get me some answers.
Q: What satisfies you?
A: __________________.

Q: How many of you know what clicking is?
A: ___________________.

Q: God created the world in how many days?
A: ___________________.

please o please dont send me flame mail. gosh darn it, it's a whole new lingo.

wh r 's my h d b t c mp

2006-12-30T14:01:00.000-05:00

ndy m d m f l g lty. w ll, n t g lty, j st bl g t d. d dnt cr sh r nyth ng, m n c mp t r. c tchy phr s - f r g d t m s s k .
p f.
d t l s n f th b st th ngs t d f r. ts l k n bs ss n d v l p d v r th p st tw y rs. and its nearly that long too. huh. n m r 2 bs ss n (wh r d n mb rs nd s mb ls r nk n th s?) h w d s ny n tt r th r ght s ll bl s t m k nyth ng w rthy t r d. m yb th t p rt f wh ts p nd d wn s s w ng w th p stm d rn sm. v ryth ngs b c m ng ld h t (r cc r nc ) nd t m k nyth ng g d t h s t b nth ght f r t l st r tr st l .
g sh d rn t, y 'v g t l t f xpl n ing t d .

pd t :
c ll m s st r nn .
n l n rs r v l + h l r s.
c mp r s ns r d r s.
m cr s rfs s t c l, s rry f r th r l v nt nf ction.
s lf r fl ct n snt wh t it s d t b .
l sts r th ng f th p st nd th y h nt m n m sl p. l v th m.
m h v ng gr t d y.
ch ldr ns rt s r v l t n ry.
g , g r ll s!
v lv t s b ck.
sh n mm.
c d d ct n r s.
d lls w ld m k f r gr t c ll ct n.

wh t s t sf s y ?

h w m ny f y kn w wh t cl ck ng s? ( m n t b g n rh t r c l q st ns)
G d cr t d th w rld n ___ d ys?

th y sh ld s r sly h v th str ke t pt n n bl gg r
w nt t g pl c s. rt t ch r t lls m h v t q t p y ng tt nt n t m l m t t ns nd r str ct ns. d nt nsw r . nd r st nd wh t f q st ns nd wh t v r h pp n d t q ck, fr wr t .

M m, D d, m K. h d f w scr ps b f r l ft. t k tr p t g sh d rn t c l f rn a c s v ry n g s th r n w- -d y . m pl nn n' n s tt n' p r nch thr wn v r th r v s f th p pl sq tt ng n th f lt l n s. k ds gr w gr t d wn h r nd th m p'll g v m m w y b ck f v r w nt t g t pr d g l.

-16 y r ld dr p t-

str ng d s r t m k ll f t m n s m th ng sp c l. m t mpt d t f ll nt th c d l v l f b t th r 's r str ct d. th b st c n th nk f s n ld p tt rn n n v r g t, b t n h. r tr st l h s g t n gh p pl w lk n d wn th str ts. p t th h m r b ck nt t.
www s m .
"s ll y r w tch th ts 35 m ll n y n r ght th r " - " c nt b l v y th ght th s w s g n n ."
th b st p rt s th t m s t t lly n t c n fs d. sc r thr f r s rt d t.
"h w d y sp ll r l f? sp ll t C- -P- -T- -L!."

h w'd d n sc l f n t t n?

a a e e ee ui . e , o ui ... u o i a e . i i a o a i , i o o u e .
oo .
e ai i o e o e e i o ie o . i i e a o e io i e e o e o e e a o ea . a i ear a o oo. u e o 2 o e io ( e e o u er a y o a i i ?) o oe a o e u e e i ya e o a e a i o o ea . a e a a o a u a o ee a i i
o o e i e e i e o i o a ( eo u a e) a o a e a i oo , i a o e u ou o o a ea e o y e.
o a i ou' e o a o o e ai i o o.

u a e:
i a y i e A ie.
o e i e a e e i + i a iou .
o a i o a e o o ou .
i o e i oo oo , o y o e e e a i e io .
e e e io i a i u e o e.
i a e a i o e a a e au e i y ee . i o e e .
i a i a ea a .
i e a i e o u io a .
ee, o i a !
e e i a .
a e e .
o e i io a ie .
o ou a e o a ea o e io .

a a i ie ou?

o a o ou o a i i i ? (i o i o e o i a ue io )
o ea e e o i ___ a ?

e ou e iou a e e i e ou o io o o e
i a o o a e . a ea e e e i a e o ui e a i a e io o y i i a io a e i io . i o a e o u e a a i ue io a a e e a e e o ui , ee i e.

o , a , i O . i a a e a e o e i e . oo a i o o a i a i o ia au e e e o e oe e e o -a- a . i a i ' o e i ' u a a o o e e oo e o e eo e ua i o e au i e . i o ea o e e a e a ' i e e y a a i i e e a o e o i a .

-16 ea o o ou -

o e i o a e a o i ea o e i e ia . i e e o a i o e o e o e i e u e a ea' e i e . e e i a i o i a o a e o o e e e o , u a . e o y e a o e ou eo e a i ' o e ee . o u e u o a i o i .
a eee oo eee.
" e ou a a 35 i io e i e e" - "i a e ie e ou ou i a e ui e."
e e a i a i a o o a o o u e . o e ee o o e ou .
" o o ou e e ie ? e i -A- -I- -A- !."

o ' i o o a a e o o e o e ?

andy made me feel guilty. well, not guilty...just obligated. i didnt crash or anything, im no computer.poof.detail is one of the best things to die for. its like an obsession i developed over the past two years. and its nearly that long too. numero 2 obsession (where do numbers and symbols rank in this?) how does anyone utter the right syllables to make anything worthy to read. maybe that part of what up and down seesawing with postmodernism. everythings becoming old hat (reoccurance) and to make anything good, it has to be unthought of or at least retrostyle.
gosh darn it you've got a lot of explaining to do.
update:
i call my sister Annie., one liners are evil + hilarious., comparisons are odorous., microserfs is too cool, sorry for the relevant infection., self reflection isnt what it used to be., lists are a thing of the past and they haunt me in my sleep. i love them., im having a great day., childrens art is revolutionary., gee, gorillas!, velvet is back., ash en emm., code dictionaries., dolls would make for a great collection.
what satisfies you? how many of you know what clicking is? (im not big on rhetorical questions) God created the world in ___ days? they should seriously have the strike out option on blogger i want to go places. art teacher tells me i have to quite paying attention to my limitations and restrictions. i dont answer or understand what if questions and whatever happened to quick, free write.
Mom, Dad, im OK. i had a few scraps before i left. took a trip to gosh darn it california cause everyone goes there now-a-days. im plannin' on settin' up a ranch thrown over the rooves of the people squatting on the fault lines. kids grow great down here and the map'll give me my way back if i ever want ta get prodigal.

-16 year old drop out-

strong desire to make all of it mean something special. im tempted to fall into the code love life but the area's restricted. the best i can think of is an old pattern no one ever got, but nah. retrostyle has got enough people walkin down the streets. o put the humor back into it.

awwweeesoomeee.
"sell your watch thats 35 million yen right there" - "i cant believe you thought this was genuine."
the best part is that i am so totally not conufsed. score three for sorted out.
"how do you spell releif? spell it C-A-P-I-T-A-L!."
how'd i do on a scale of one to ten?

simplification.

2006-12-19T12:11:00.000-05:00

i dreamt about three gorges dam last night. it started out with us climbing over the dam. i saw my friend alysha jumping, and then she missed and fell in the water but she was a good swimmer and swam to the next brick wall. i remember saying, "if that were me, i would die." then there was something about lifejackets and then a tree tunnel.
then i was suddenly in france. i think it was the tree tunnel that transported me. cause we saw tree tunnels in st.renan. we were sitting in my kitchen (in france still) talking to my cousin nicholas and his brother [but he doesnt have a brother]. my parents were in the living room talking to my uncle and the kalks. for some reason all my girl cousins were missing. i was rather ticked.
and i know i dreamt something else its just the connections arent working for me.
i have a fever. i dream weird when i have a fever. and i talk in my sleep.
if i was talking last night, i was talking about simplification.

sssss sp? speh. spea(--). spear

2006-12-18T22:38:00.000-05:00

might just stick the spear right away. i have a teddybear. zip zip zing. lalala.

one of these days im going to collect all the little pieces of paper around my room. and all the little phrases on them. and im going to stick them together in a big heap and read them.

christmas is coming.

im
incapable
of
posting
anything
longer
than
this.

the spear. the spear. spear. spearspearspearspearspearspearspearspear.-s-pear

i kinda like that word.

much ado!

2006-12-09T10:19:00.000-05:00

if you didnt buy a ticket yet. tickets for much ado are still on sale in the foyer on monday. bring your five dollars cause its gonna be an awesome play! if you want to come to a night performance, or if you know anyone who wants to. talk to me! or abram...or andy...or jonathan fed. or...rachel...or nathan...or JESS or...i think thats all for the blogging world/play people.

so po-mo

2006-12-04T20:46:00.000-05:00

(in the whole post-modern era with tolerance and choosing your own faith, etc.)

i wonder what paul would say to us. what sort of letters we'd recieve.
im guessing they'd be pretty nasty.

2006-12-02T23:58:00.000-05:00

my irish name is Caitlin Clarke.

thats funny though. cause my name, tara, is already irish.

nearing december

2006-11-28T20:27:00.000-05:00

which 'away in the manger' do you like best?
i like the one that goes like this: 'away in the manger, no crib for a bed, the little Lord Jesus laid down his sweet head;...'

paris

2006-11-28T18:04:00.001-05:00

centre pompidou
i went here.
daily dose - november 28
to get over something takes time. expectations are inevitable. sometimes replacement is a good thing. in this case, the case of the missing boyfriend, and in the case of my too small jeans which i did actually have a plan for, yes replacment, and exchange are a good thing. ouch. (dont imagine this from a personal perspective please, you'll get confused and disgusted. actually, to keep complaints at the bare minimum, dont consider this at all. it just feels good to type in tiny black italisized font. so ill keep going. i drew a hat. and it looks like a shoe. i made four compositions all of a watch. and i still get questions about it. sometimes i think things are meant to be up for interpretation and completely isolated from explanation. and sometimes i think its best to not examine the source, but to take words for dictionary definitions and take art in general assumptions. or go all out and make it your own. but dont ponder on the source. please, it makes it a whole lot easier. but just to fulfill my sense of character, ive got to end this off in contradiction. do please make sense of where the source is and what it is. because you'll get no where if all you have is yourself.(think about that a second and realize how true it is). dont forget the singer behind their sound.

jo(h)n(athan)

2006-11-22T23:27:00.000-05:00

the absolute, drop-dead, make-me-fuzzy-headed, most confusing thing for me lately has been...i seriously cannot get used to the fact that i know a john, a jonathan, and yet another jonathan..(at least), all of which i talk to every day. [on a good day] the worst part of it is: berg used to be a full out jonathan and now he's 'jon' to me and i dont know why, and feddema used to be...i dont remember. but he's a jon now too. [part time]. and then john. you're like me..its almost impossible to shorten up a name that only has four letters. even worse for you cause you have one syllable. so you're still john. which makes...three jon's! how do i know who's who?
(be proud, this made perfect sense)

ring ring. zing ZING!

2006-11-20T22:04:00.000-05:00

a limit of 3 words a line.
specificity.
specifi - city!

slip up

2006-11-19T12:09:00.000-05:00

building early vs. building late.
the advisor about fidelity income failed at his job.
they had the wrong outcome but it got more attention than the right one. curses to attention. love to the broken building cause its space is split up in more beautiful ways. blessed be the broken and blessed be the man who took the photo. attack! how adorable. what i like best is that he refers to it as a stump. perfect isnt it. a candle, a body part, a short person, a tree, a plant, anything green (there it is!), furntiture, charcoal, pencil crayons, cricket, wooden leg, campaign speech, district or region, challenge, misunderstood, not understood. (perfect). but now a building? excellent. [dear readers: i called it building early and building late because i had to find some name for it so i could save it on my computer. advisor about fidelity income, for that just look at building early, he failed his job because he didnt his place died. unless he advised the 'runner's to kill off the building then he failed, wrong income got more attention than the right one because i bet more people paid attention to this building being ripped down than the green sign about the 'right outcome, the right income' in building early. the space of building late is better, the photo is nicer, and its more attractive if you walked by it than the green sign was..that is, if you can appreciate 'the-generally-accepted-ugly'. and the random words are all part of the definition of the word 'stump'. which in short came about because the man who took the picture called it a stump.and thats all there is to it.]

2006-11-18T09:55:00.000-05:00

just as bethany predicted:

A WHOLE NEW WORLD
BOY MEETS GIRL - BOY MUST BE WORTHY OF GIRL ON HIS OWN MERITS!
ALADDIN: "THE DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH"
A PRINCESS MUST BE MARRIED TO A PRINCE! BUT PRINCE ALI?
WE GET BACK TO WHERE WE BEGAN - "A PRINCESS MUST BE MARRIED TO A PRINCE"

Land of Nod

2006-11-15T21:39:00.001-05:00

from breakfast on through the day, from breakfast on through the day, from breakfast on
at home among my friends i stay, at home among my friends i stay, at home among my
but every night i go ahead, but every night i go ahead, but every night i go ahead, but eve
afar into the Land of Nod. afar into the Land of Nod. afar into the Land of Nod. afar into th
from breakfast on througmy heart actually goes thump thump again.from breakfast on thr
at home among my friends i stay, at home among my friends i stay, at home among my
but every night i go ahead, but every night i go ahead, but every night i go ahead, but eve
afar into the Land of Nod. afar into the Land of Nod. afar into the Land of Nod. afar into th
from breakfast on through the day, from breakfast on through the day, from breakfast on
at home among my friends i stay, at home among my friends i stay, at home among my
but every night i go ahead, but every night i go ahead, but every night i go ahead, but eve
afar into the Land of Nod. afar into the Land of Nod. afar into the Land of Nod. afar into th
from breakfast on through the day, from breakfast on through the day, from breakfast on
at home among my friends i stay, at home among my friends i stay, at home among my
but every night i go ahead, but every night i go ahead, but every night i go ahead, but eve
afar into the Land of Nod. afar into the Land of Nod. afar into the Land of Nod. afar into th

TADA

2006-11-15T21:05:00.000-05:00

this is for brent. because i re-found this for like the seventeen-th time. i think i might've even posted it here before. but since i decided to dedicate this to you...i figured something about you would be good. anyways, im rambling so here it is: (okay..so maybe its abbboouuuut brains. but it has brent in it.)

tada!! by: nicole, sam, and tara

my heads gonna explode,

someone left a bomb in there,

my brains on "boring" mode,

I should take better care

My brain is used to crying

Cause it’s practiced dieing

But will it ever be healed?

‘cause now it’s been sealed

my brain broke,

so I better drink some coke.

I can’t think,

cause Brent is wearing pink

I can’t rhyme,

I just don’t know why!!

over the next hour,

my heart might turn sour,

'cause my brain is out of service,

so my heart gets nervous

I hate my brain,

its such a pain,

home work is no fun,

I want to eat a bun

my brain is broke,

what a joke,

I cannot work,

brents such a jerk!!!!!!!!!!

Too much work

Will turn you into a jerk

So I think I should quit

Before I take a fit.

a brain is not worth anything at all

if it ever falls

it could hurt forever

and not be repaired, ever

I am not a mule,

So I shouldn’t go to school

I better eat lunch, so I can play tennis

With no one else, but my Samo, the Menace

(thats as close to a song as you'll get buster brown)

lala

little black book

2006-11-07T15:57:00.000-05:00

in grade eight we had these notebooks where we had to write down characteristics of people, places, or things that struck us. or names of people, or anything like that. the random stuff that is never good in most writing by 'kids' and amazing in little kids' work and sometimes perfect in big kids(adults) work. i never completely grasped the concept. well, i thought i had at the time. but now looking back, it was pathetic and i tried so hard! but thats besides the point. the point is that today, the best revelation of the day, break-through, whatever you want to call it was that i finally mastered the concept of: little notebook.
i got off the bus and my mom goes,
"o, you need to go home dont you. whoops. i forgot the umbrella and you dont have a rainjacket."
then i got swept up by a chariot of angels and drove the way home with a kind soul and two.
so then here's where my little notebook comes in.
so we're driving home through the pouring rain and,
"o no, i was going to do something, now i forget!...........o ya!!!" - and on go the windshield wipers. -

love,
ALL SUMMED UP

deja vu of deja vu! no, actually!

ps. i read this in my geography textbook and the way it was written, all blunt like, disturbed me.:
When molten rock reaches the surface of the earth, volcanoes are formed. These incredible features are among the most dangerous places on the earth, yet people seem to love to live near them. All around the Ring of Fire and across the world people have populated the slpes of volcanoes. When Mount Vesuvius erupted in the year 79, the people of the city of Pompeii were instantly killed by the poisonous gases and coated with the ash that rained down on them. Their bodies rotted away and left cavities in the petrified ash. Plaster of Paris was injected into the ashen moulds to form life-like statues of the volcano's victims.

livejournal

2006-11-06T20:39:00.000-05:00

i havent done livejournal yet cause my computer doesnt like it.

zipzip

2006-11-04T19:59:00.000-05:00

tara won her prize /just/ last year.

tara lost her prize on:
01/06/06
04/06/06
06/06/06
02/08/06
09/08/06
31/08/06
05/09/06
19/10/06
01/11/06
02/11/06

tuuuauuuruuua's luuuiuuuvuuuiuuunuuug fuuuouuur _____ tuuuhuuuiuuus wxxxeoooexxxk:

06/11/06

8.47am

11.10am

2.55pm

5.00pm

07/11/06

8.30am

8.47am

11.40am

1.36pm

08/11/06

8.47am

3.15pm

09/11/06

7.45am

8.45am!

9.00am

9.01am?

9.02am?

9.03am?

...

11.10am

12.06pm

10/11/06

6.30am

2.55pm

3.30pm

3.31pm

3.32pm

3.33pm

...

7.15pm

tada

2006-11-04T13:49:00.000-05:00

so i checked it out too jackie.
my top look-a-like four are:

julie andrews
christopher reeve
grace kelly
jennifer connelly

tadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatada
tadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatada
tadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatada
tadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatada
tadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatada
tadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatada
tadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatada
tadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatadatada

downdate

2006-10-29T17:41:00.000-05:00

life: such a big deal for such a small thing. smarten up!
there are so many people and such a small population left to get to know them.

quiz time:
at least now i know
so now im driving on a more regular basis. which means i need to get things more together with bethany and start planning a driver school learning date. which im not really looking forward to after hearing the reviews from the others. ha. 'the others'. "sometimes i bleeeeeeed". who's going to get that? counting on you gradeschool girly-cues. so back to driving, i seriously need to start working on the whole nerve factor, im not going to turn into an old granny craning her neck to see over the steering wheel and moving at 20 on a 60 road.
im worn out
1. i am most afraid of _____________.
a) red lights
b) green lights
c) yellow lights
used up
so with the whole driving thing i just summarized in hardly any detail, comes this freaky feeling that everyone is just dying to plow into me; on or off the road. and since im so sick of the process: identify the problem and leave the solution floating out where your heart is, that being somewhere on pluto, which was recently discovered to be /not/ a planet. which makes my heart /not/ a heart. which makes you /not/ a person. wow. freaky. click. click. so back on topic...since im sick of that process ive found a solution to the plowing-into-tara phobia. however reachable it may be. i desperatly need to be a ghost. even better if i could do it on command. i really want to move on right through some people. and have some things (cars for example, people too) move right on through me and not flinch. the best part is, i would still be very conscious of the whole ongoing.
laid aside
2. on a scale of one to ten rate my chances in getting my wish:
history
so about two weeks ago i was at heajins place singing karaoke. whats really scary is that the whole bonding aspect of it all actually happened. i made .mmm...two /new/ friends. which is merely following suit with the rest of my year so far. which is awesome if the whole ghost thing actually turns out. and if it doesnt? im still working on that. so realized with the whole karaoke thing...and then the whole rollerskating thing. that disco balls are really my type of thing. i should have caught onto that sooner though, as i should have with a whole lot of other things. but thats besides the point. i put christmas lights up in my bedroom from november to february. which makes up for the only purposefully tacky thing in my life. i despise tacky.
so now i can at least freely...
3. three things i should have caught onto long ago:
-
-
-
stop
do not go gentle into that good night. im going to take this completely out of context and tell you about a dream i had. i dreamt that we were riding bareback on a horse in the middle of the night. and it was snowing. so as of now. last night was the last time ive ridden a horse.
and you can...
4. when was the real last time ive ridden a horse?
leave
im dieing of curiosity. im so curious: if i hadnt done this whole blog thing. how well would you know me. and how much easier would it have been and be to be friends right now? msn does that too eh. i wish i had never let you all at my email. i have a feeling id be a lot clearer in my thinking.
unless you have any soul in you
5. how has blogs and msn negetively affected you? (this is not a school question. no matter how technical it sounds)
which i know you dont
my course load this year is not quite what i expected it to be. art is a lot harder as mr.groen is fresh with new ideas after his year off and i go on thursdays for extra work (jonathan...we need to think about that thing esp. before he gets on our case). my real love in art class right now though is that book groen has. english is bland, drama is what i expected it to be, fancy that. and geo is unmentionable. and for some reason, i feel a lot older. which makes everything a lot more hazy. as was expected. but im stll not prepared. i know what would make my life perfect right now.
excuse the pessimism
6. what would make my life perfect right now?
to whoever highlights their words
7. whats on your christmas list?
cause i hope you're click clicking now
8. whats on my secret list?
and letting something...
and to avoid this from turning into a guessing game..ill tell you something new. im seeing the hyprocrite in me. which is holding me back from doing a lot cause im afraid of it backfiring back into my face and burning off my eyebrows. which would be horrible. i see the start of a jealous streak in me. which is starting to faze me. and the worst part is that i saw it coming. yes. i did. ive seen a couple things coming, and i see another thing coming now. like i said before, i really want the ghost personality. i could deal with the whole split personality if half of me was ghost. i see things getting complicated. which i remember now was where i was going with the karaoke thing. we sang 'complicated'. if that song wasnt so annoying, id find it bearable. but for now its just ponderable.
hang over your conscience
9. why do you have to go and make things so complicated?
cause that makes two of us.
now go listen to the rest of the song. or better yet, read the lyrics. (and if you do go all the way, your loss.)
and for once in a long while
one more thing. when i talk i want it to mean something. its so easy to let my words get away with me and i can see it in every other person ive ever met too. we're supposed to be living a show-not-tell life. (that reminds me of vriends english class. show not tell in your writing. i wrote about a horse. and did a good job, if you rate it by the mark. it also reminds me of kindergarten. see, we were all on the right track in kindergarten 'show and tell'...and by grade nine we had to be taught all over again. but apparently most of us either zoned out through those classes or forgot already) so there's this one scene in my fair lady that says what im saying
this wasnt self inflicted
Freddy: Speak and the world is full of singing,
And I'm winging Higher than the birds.
Touch and my heart begins to crumble,
The heaven's tumble, Darling, and I'm...
Eliza: Words!
Words! Words! I'm so sick of words!
I get words all day through;
First from him, now from you! Is that all you blighters can do?
Don't talk of stars Burning above; If you're in love,
Show me! Tell me no dreams
Filled with desire. If you're on fire,
Show me! Here we are together in the middle of the night!
Don't talk of spring! Just hold me tight!
Anyone who's ever been in love'll tell you that
This is no time for a chat! Haven't your lips
Longed for my touch? Don't say how much,
Show me! Show me! Don't talk of love lasting through time.
Make me no undying vow. Show me now!
Sing me no song! Read me no rhyme!
Don't waste my time, Show me!
Don't talk of June, Don't talk of fall!
Don't talk at all! Show me!
Never do I ever want to hear another word.
There isn't one I haven't heard.
Here we are together in what ought to be a dream;
Day one more word and I'll scream!
Haven't your arms Hungered for mine?
Please don't "expl'ine," Show me! Show me!
Don't wait until wrinkles and lines
Pop out all over my brow,
Show me now!
now i remember what i was going to say:
10: this aint really a question: just go watch 'my fair lady'. or at least the one scene where she sings with freddy on the street.
its all part of self-denial.
question #11: is self-denial a good thing?
love
tarajoy
so as politely as i can say: please dont try anything else on me
or do, and we'll see how well i hold up.

proved

2006-10-28T00:18:00.000-04:00

midnight and twenty-six

we went roller skating. retro-style. it was awesome!

'whats your name?'
'whats goin' on?'
'whats your name'
'SHAWN!' (hehe eska...why is that so ___?)

1. a kitty and some yarn
2. mouse chased into hole
3. owner collects travel brochures
4. kitty paws at hole in wall
5. mouse cowers with cheese
6. owner packs bags
7. kitty in crate
8. zoom zoom
9. mouse comes out of hole
10. mouse and some yarn

2006-10-26T21:05:00.000-04:00

note: some things here are fictional.

hangover

2006-10-26T18:59:00.000-04:00

I REMEMBER DRIVING BACK FROM THE
COTTAGE THIS SUMMER. JUST AFTER
THAT PARTY YOU GUYS HELD FOR ME.
AND I HAD THIS SUDDEN FEELING OF R
ELIEF: THIS UNSETTLED AND UNDECID
ED, ITS GOING TO END. WOULD I STILL
FEEL RELIEVED? I DONT KNOW ANYMO
RE. NOW: I LET MYSELF INTO THIS SOR
T OF MESS: CAUSE IT WAS YOUR GIFT
TO ME. AND SUDDENLY THE ONLY THIN
G THAT APPEALS TO ME IS THE SMELL
OF YOU ON ME WHERE WE BRUSHED IN
TO EACHOTHER. AND A MIDDLE-OF-THE
-NIGHT: "I LOVE YOU". (IVE MADE A HAB
IT OF WRITING MY POSTS IN CUT UP SE
NTENCES ON SMALL PIECES OF PAPER
I FIND AROUND MY ROOM; PADS AND SC
RAPS (ESP.TRACING PAPER!) COMPLET
E WITH ARROWS FOR DIRECTION WHEN
I RUN OUT OF SPACE AND SMALL SQUA
RES TO FILL UP SPACE. LIKE HERE) DO
NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGH
T. I PUT IT HERE SO I WILL CRY LATER W
HEN I COME BACK. THE EYE BITING AND
STINGING THING THAT ATTACKS RANDO
MLY IS A BIT COMFORTING. THUS ESTA
BLISHED THAT I MAY BE IN LOVE. AND I
CAUGHT THE AFTERMATH SPELL. SICKL
Y. WICKED. DEADLY. POSSESSED. SO DA
DDY DRIVE ME AND DROP ME OFF SOME
WHERE WHERE I CAN SEE HIS BEDROOM
LIGHT ON PAST TWO. CAUSE I ALREADY
SAID POSSESSED. THEN I FILLED THE RE
ST OF MY PAGE WITH BOXESESESESES.

one door closed

2006-10-26T13:53:00.000-04:00

noël has pearl earrings. she wears fishnets to weddings, but not on her legs; over her eyes. She doesn’t have eyes actually, she has green circles on red. bloodshot invitations. noël has an eeyore sticker on the back of her head. What’s it doing there?

noël was walking along a curb, a lot of handholding going on. she has red lipstick. and the lipstick got all over her teeth as she bit into her smile. life is meant to be looked at through love eyes. noël doesn’t have eyes. she has green circles on red. but he still found the back route of her maze, as the green and red are invitations. he planted that eeyore sticker on the back of her head. so she was tracing over the curb, and then she fell, mid-red-lips ticked-smile, and mid-step, she tripped over him as he unintentionally placed his body in her way. and the rest is history.

im starting to enjoy more and more those punch lines i never deliver.

"you're welcome to stay tonight...you can eat more of our grape jelly."

and i walk away to leave two laughing in the kitchen. wicked.

one door opened

you lose inspiration when the thing you draw it from is gone.

when the source is gone.

tarajoy: a lot of handholding

2006-10-23T22:32:00.000-04:00

lifes to short
to worry about the small things
and yet
we've already lived so long
that we are so self absorbed
that all we see is the small things
and the only way we look up is
with a tragedy
justin h.

bloggies

2006-10-20T22:12:00.000-04:00

i pride myself in and find shame in the fact that i am able to do the whole avoiding a subject thing

bloggies

recipe to a real time
1. teen culture interview 2. saitre 3. black 4. shiny gym floor
5. click-a click-a chooo chooo click-a clack
"i love trains"
"i was gonna say that but i thought you would think im stupid"
whoosh
"excuse me lady, but do you have any hangers"
"why yes, escort me to my back room"
"thank you very much"

"did anyone ever tell you you have beautiful hair?" 6.

would you ever date a guy who smokes?

turn around (link me)
Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round.
turn around (link me 't')
Every now and then I get a little bit tired of list ning to the sound of my tears.
turn around (link me)
Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by.
turn around (link me 'o')
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes.
turn around, bright eyes (link me)
Every now and the I fall apart.
turn around, bright eyes (link me 'r')
Every now and the I fall apart.

turn around (link me)
Every now and then I get a little bit restless and I dream of something wild.
turn around (link me 'o')
Every now and then I get a little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms.
turn around (link me 'u')
Every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry.
turn around (link me 'n')
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes.
turn around, bright eyes (link me 'e')
Every now and the I fall apart.
turn around, bright eyes (link me 'e')
Every now and the I fall apart.

And I need you now tonight and I need you more than ever
and if you only hold me tight we'll be holding on forever.
And we'll only be making it right 'cause we'll never be wrong.
Together we can take it to the end of the line.
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time.
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark.
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks.
I really need you tonight, forever's gonna start tonight,
forever's gonna start tonight.

Once upon a time I was falling in love but now I'm only falling apart.
There's nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.
Once upon a time there was light in my life but now there's only love in the dark.
Nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart.

turn around, bright eyes
turn around, bright eyes

turn around
Every now and then I know you'll never be the boy you always wanted to be.
turn around
But every now and then I know you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am.
turn around
Every now and then I know there's no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as you.
turn around
Every now and then I know there's nothing any better, there's nothing that I just wouldn't do.
turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart.
turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart.

A total eclipse of the heart, a total eclipse of the heart.
Turn around, bright eyes,
Turn around, bright eyes, turn around

2006-10-13T08:26:00.000-04:00

guess who else was here?

2006-10-12T18:52:00.000-04:00

Galations 5:16-26

numero

2006-10-10T23:03:00.000-04:00

this blog is becoming more and more a 'dont-read-me' (my fourth post in one day) and more and more an 'im desperate'. for what? im not sure yet. and the worst part is. i feel sorry for it.
esp. because i just put twine in my paper drawer, and i have a styrofoam head on my desk which has provided more comfort in the last month than much else, the dial tone sounds nice, run my head under the tap just so i dont need tears, my artwork looks better upside down. ironic. and guess what, im living off of asian invasion, my friday nights, saturday at three, pc, annd...when pigs can fly, ill fall out.
im shaking, literally.
a scrunchie is holding my hair in a ponytail. picture your monster in the closet.
i figured it out! monster in the closet! i always hated him.
you were my casper.
what colour text is suitable? _________

more optimism

2006-10-10T21:25:00.000-04:00

september

was beautiful last year. as was

october,
november

and

december.

cant remember

january.

but

february

was good too.

ANTIQUED

2006-10-10T16:09:00.000-04:00

i had my first real glimpse at the old tara today. probably cause i convinced myself i can move on without some things i dont need and only wanted/want.
the tara who:
had a middle name-joy
rode her unicycle around late at night. daydreaming
didnt need to daydream cause her life was a dream
didnt know how to apply mascara
giggled
hated pessimissm
wanted a rose garden
walked into door frames
loved details
lived for lists
lived for love
had no rings
a full corner instead of an empty one
respected class
made up reasons after the finished product
did the metaphor thing much better than now
but to avoid any more negetive, bitter comparisons.
this is a taste of the girl that had a love and a care.

is it possible to have your character stolen from underneath your very own pink fingertips? (everything used to be pink...colour me in pretty patterns of pink.)
but i was sitting on the bus, dieing because i tried to read YCTIWY while we were driving..which i should know from previous experience is a /bad/ thing!

and i was talking beneath your window. and you watched me, and now you scared me the way you should have then. the most powerful force in the world: eye contact. i know. freaky huh?

even abram would appreciate the non-bitterness of this post.
i spent 45 minutes this morning sitting on the ground in my white fall jacket, /with/ a sketchbook. but all the same pages that were blank before are blank now. so i havent really gotten anywhere. yes that statement was {hopefully} part of the lieing game. because i believe i accomplished something today. something like...left behind.

forget,
your miss(ing)y, lonely.
everything reminds me of 1. and 1 makes me hate everything. darn, why'd i have to go mess up the entire post with that. but it's there now, i claim my backspace key doesnt work. just like a sticky shift key. which happened in march, if anyone cared to know.

2006-10-10T07:39:00.000-04:00

Q: you know what nasty habits do?
A: they make you into a nasty person.

reminder to be nice, tara.

done without

2006-10-09T12:38:00.000-04:00

how possible is it to see yourself in someone else who lives with completely different circumstances and is probably centuries older than you, but still alive?
i am so incredibly immature.
solomon is indonesian and a warrior.
frank carries around mary and jesus wherever he goes
bruce speaks the language of our heritage
johnny doesnt care about the colour of your skin
big-blue-eyed-boy is lost and needs another heart
shot man was pierced
man in socks is desperate
new york man lost his lover
lady with a doctor has her heart in traveling
man in red jacket can merely be assumed about and i have:
- loves red
- watches people
- looks into eyes not at them
- has a soul
- is an artist..probably an actor
horse trainer...need i say more?
i lost my needle and thread.
got spare change?
dunk the donut.
so kiss me and smile for me.
christen you titanic.
tell me that you'll wait for me.

'fraid of the dark

2006-10-02T20:54:00.000-04:00

just to put this into context ill start this one off with my memoir from english:

When I was little, getting up in the pitch black of the night was a near death wish. I believed that when the sun went down, the robbers all came out; they were nocturnal.

Sometimes subtle noises would wake me up from my sleep. The moment I woke, everything in the night became exaggerated. My breathing was loud enough to wake the neighbourhood, my bed springs sounded like a fire alarm, even my quick heart beat could be heard from a mile away. The shadow of my jeans hanging over the door was a black-masked robber prepared to jump at my baby sister, and my Precious Moments figurines were set bombs, accompanied by the ticking of my bedside clock.

Once awake, I would begin to fear for my parents. I became convinced they had been stolen in their sleep. To ease my conscience, I somehow found the nerve to slink out of my bed, teddy bear in hand, crawl across the hall, and peek in at the two deep-breathing lumps in the bed. Assured my parents were still right next door, I once again worried for my own safety as I crouched exposed in the middle of the hallway. I could feel things breathing down my PJ shirt and spiders with their furry legs creeping across my toes. With a sudden surge of adrenaline, I raced the creepy crawly things and the heavy breathing monsters back into my bedroom. With my mind telling me of the robber crouching under my bed, I would run full tilt, spring into the air, out of the reach of the robber’s clawing hands, and bounce under my covers. Shaking like a leaf, I was always very determined to sleep soundly through the rest of the robber-infested night.

and now: five minutes ago. for the first time in a couple years....i ran from those same robbers/kidnappers/whatever you want to call them. the dark invaders of my night.
i was downstairs in my daddy's work shop, making lanar's president name tag...anyways. i finished, flicked off the light. and slammed the door behind me. then i got that same feeling i got when i was little...the feeling of monsters breathing down my neck. so i took the stairs three at a time (yes...that means two steps up to my bedroom floor and yes my short little legs can do that! they just needed a bit of encouragement) and bounded towards the light. runnnn towaaards the liiiighhht. and now behind this stupid screen...im safe. hallelujah amen!

hit'chya where it hurts

2006-09-28T19:31:00.000-04:00

Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.
Now you're all gone got your make-up on and you're not coming back.
Can't you come back?
Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under my window.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.

Broken Social Scene - Anthems For A Seventeen Year-Old Girl

dont make me swear you down.

broken social scene
broken social scene
BROKEN social scene
BROKEN social scene
broken social scene
broken social scene
broken social scene
broken social scene
broken social scene
BROKEN SOCIAL SCENE
broken social scene

i despise the six-ness of this all

2006-09-28T18:16:00.000-04:00

and you said you would be there, but as far as im concerned your not. five men have not replaced you quite yet, but they're working on it at a faster pace than you could have even thought of surpassing. or even meeting. ya you were the letdown i never dreamed you would be and im appalled at your charm. see you on the other side, when the sea meets the sand.

so kiss me and smile for me. tell me that you'll wait for me. hold me like you'll never let me go. cause you're the voice on the other end. and i could sit for a while and never leave this world of my dreams until reality gets the best of me; kicks me over where i thought i was standing firm. i gotta wait for it now. tie me down, strap me in, im up for a ride...i think.

genuine friendship is a lost cause in my sextet. you've conquered my head. i challenge you this: steal my heart, catch is i wont let you have it. victory is a ways from your line. take heart my dear.

let me tell you a story that will hopefully be less flattering than i intended it, as it was not for another party. i live in a castle. i warn you of that first of all. there are big stone walls that protect me from your kind; the kind with all the weaponry and all the determination accumulated in your long trip across the land (which i do very much appreciate and store it in the barn along with the manure), to destroy a much flimsier wall and gate. my gate is made of iron. all my worst luck to you. (imagine a balance, all the bad outweighing the good) excellent words though, "credit where credit is due". (and yes First And Foremost, that phrase is quite despised and regretted, and you should be ashamed. proud, i think not.)

one quality i cannot deny, you are my face to face. there is something pure and honest about that. i hate to put myself in your shoes, but as often as you deny it, twice as often am i sure of it. to avoid any more random facts of two years together, as i would ramble about for over a page if i did not have a time restraint and a sense of morality, this is where that part ends and i pray for you as well.

here lies the unmentionable.

here's to the sextet and my wounded pride.
love
your dearest unmentionable. (and thats as far as i get to entrusting you to understand my sarcasm)

left to die.

2006-09-27T21:53:00.000-04:00

and i hate when things are over.
believe me or not, but being isolated on an island in the absolute middle of no where is so much more comforting than being around here. being there, it felt like nothing else in the world mattered for the simple reason: it felt like nothing else in the world existed. i was quite pleased with the circle around us and the presense. a horrible feeling...coming home to lonely. so now im here left to die, put me on a scale at the moment of my death and you'll see the scale lighten, my soul is gone up to heaven, somewhere higher than here cause this is hell, we cant get much lower. dieing to my old self. dieing away from a year ago. dieing away from the memories that melt me and disguise me as a way too young, love-stricken teenager. --give me that matress you've got sir, and ill pound the living daylight out of it. worse than you ever could, because i /will/ be treated well. kissed.
love,
your used up and not cared or carried.
your all-made-up
ps. left to die is more peaceful than imagined.

if i told you my password you'd cry.
running away from the inescapable.
happy birthday to the miserable.
i got the moment for conversation! my well-deserved time.

andy fixed my title

2006-09-18T16:23:00.000-04:00

an art ive been working on (no paint, knives, canvas, graphite, marble or the sort this time):
i tried o so very hard today to seperate my mind from my heart. it's tough, but i can do it. it's not quite as thrilling as i thought. but i miss you a bit, well maybe a bit more than i a bit. (my fingers are connected to these little strings from my heart. now if only i could find a way to attach those strings to your heart..we'd be all set.) and enough with that story. go read something more interesting.

andy, i had something here for you. but then it died. so instead ill give you the link. though you may have already seen it. i typed 'art' into google to see what would show up. and look-here. ha.:
http://www.qwantz.com/fanart/brains.png
enjoy.

love,
tj

2006-09-17T14:10:00.000-04:00

a little bit of background information first, for those of you who dont know:
1) i ride the unicycle (and im gonna learn the giraffe.)

2) about a year ago, while i was still living just to tell of the wonder-full things, cause he was so perfect, i met a clown. to make the story short, every time i go down that street and the guy's outside, he offers me a job. so then i started to avoid that street.

today i was spinning through the neighbourhood, doing my weekly rounds. something happened to me again. ill give you a list, that will perhaps even convince you to drop by and learn a bit of one-wheeled-driving.

prologue) read 1) & 2)
3) one time i rode past this house and met these three kids (two guys, one girl). they were in a band, and liked my unicycle. that was about the extent of the conversation. so if one day you hear a song 'bout some young girl riding 'round on a unicycle, completely in love (cause of course all music is 'bout love/the opposite), then you'll know it was me;)

4) i rode past this house that burned down a bunch and a half of years ago. useless point. and i hear this humungie noise, sounded like a sick elephant/racecar. turns out my second guess was better, a pick-up truck. one of those hugggeee ones though, was coming towards me..fortunetly he decided to stop and let me go by. then a couple seconds later i hear the noise coming up behind me again, freaked me out a bit. but it turns out all he wanted was a picture. so now some random dude and his big truck have a picture of me on a one-wheeled-little-truck.

5) there's this house in the neighbourhood that always has a million and one kids running round on the front lawn. always. i think ive been there once, late at night, when there was no one there. anyways, so i always run past there or unicycle past there..and the kids dont remember me, ever. its really funny. but they're getting bigger every year. one of them couldnt walk last year..and now he's walking. i feel like some distant relative who always goes: o wow! you've really grown since i last saw you!

6) dogs bark at me, and the occasional bird makes a really weird squawking sound when i roll past.

7) an elderly lady with a cane called me slow today

8) i went down clown-guys street today

9) i met another clown. fancy that. and no im not making that up. he engaged me in a short conversation..fortunetly didnt try to recruit me or anything. but its a little odd, i have two clowns in the neighbourhood..and me. three people who do the whole unicycling thing.

10) i met 21 new people. unicycling really breaks the ice. esp. on a sunny day.

2006-09-14T19:39:00.000-04:00

The actual surface of this sculpture is hard, cold, and smooth. It's made of marble.

Jud Nelson
1979-1981

2006-09-11T16:04:00.000-04:00

'here's to expression' and missing white backgrounds with black text.

i wrote this yesterday:

i wrote a list. but once i got about 10 lines down, i realized that its an old idea. gene-eu-s-i-am-a-kang-aroo did it already a while back. so i scratched that.

anyone else get overwhelming in-take time? like the feeling when there's 23 people at the bus stop instead of the usual one. and then get that overwhelming holy im boring, not bored, but boring time. where it seems like all 5 senses arent even working. if i had to choose one and only one of my senses, id keep my feeling.

no i wouldnt. scratch that. scratch and win. haha, im a running contradiciton, catch me if you can. ill ride over the mississippi on a foxes nose. to escape you and what you do to me. because i know what's best and whee! im alive. not for long on a foxes nose.

i wrote on the corner of my paper.
who writes on the back of their paper?
i like sculpter better than drawing or painting.
i really like design.
and i really like texture.
value is great.

let's do a tara:
me:
wait...there's a phone going off in this house, only i can hardly hear it.
ok, now for a tara:
clouds that dont move
straight leg jeans
nature boy
winter pictrue
holding hands
moccasins
16 year old life
a rose garden
cant wait-ing
grassy knole
view from a window
flats
memorization
memory
sad movies
sculpture
bus stops
/people/ at bus stops
painted nails
language
catchy
bunny
tada
eye contact
chandaliers
flow-y pens
infatuation
reinforcements
green green grass
ugly buildings
vulnerability
second thoughts
second chances
broken hearts
profundity
lipstick
achoo
kool krates
plugs
length of time
waste of time
laugh at me
binder dividers
zoom
zip
bad weather
weather patterns
i lost
dave harolds
red teddy
purple doll
easter...gummy bears
(a)
recognition
recognization
realization
jingle bells
carriage
marriage
ballet slippers
i want to...
archives
nicknames
gentleman
black and white life
that's it!

i found me a gentleman. he's the romantic sort and he has a collection of lovers, but not a single one. because of course, he's my gentleman. he rides my foxes nose better than i can because he does so much better than me at the running contradi...he's a gentleman. im infatuated. infatuation. a deadly secret and a catchy disease. spare me from my gentleman and ill send you back across the foxes nose. wrap him up for me at christmas time and ill give you a treasure map.

ha. this is what i mean by that overwhemlingly boring time. im not bored. just boring. eep. save me from myself all you brave hearts.

rambling.
this is so garbage.
lets try for something better.

i wrote this today:

mkay, so i was sitting on the bus. abram was long gone. (key point of information, well not really. but he's great to talk to on the bus. always wants to know more. and plus, once he leaves...which is after like...five minutes, then i sit alone.) which gave me time to confirm to myself that im not as boring as i thought, noooo im not full of myself. hope you can see that. and see this as a sort of personal accomplishment.

i wrote this last night.
then fixed it in my head today. man, ultimite test of the memory.
first of all i want to make sure you all know what a rhetorical question is. so here comes (dum dumm dummm!) the dictionary definition. love from, dictionary.com:

'A question to which no answer is expected, often used for rhetorical effect.'

'A question asked without expecting an answer but for the sake of emphasis or effect. The expected answer is usually "yes" or "no." For example, Can we improve the quality of our work? That's a rhetorical question. [Late 1800s]'

so,
who are we that we should get what we want?

got that? now, these are /not/ rhetorical questions:

what have you got of me to hold on to?
when is two /not/ better than one?

now for a quick recap. so remember, i was on the bus. and i had that little self improvement thing going on. my small bit of personal accomplishment of the day, im not quite as boring as i thought. and now you're going to read this and think: holy this girl here needs a life. but ive got myself one of those and this just adds to it. whee for self confidence boost. (that and my index fingernail has polka dots on it. heck yes!): abram bought another package of smarties, after he managed to spill them all over the floor of the commons and then, quite naturally, throw them all back into his mouth...so by bus-time, he was sick of smarties and dumped half of them at me. now usually i dont save the red ones for last because thatd be the deadly conforming to society thing that everyone tries so desperatly to run away from. but since /not/ conforming would by now /be/ conforming, for all the people who made /not/ conforming the real conformation...(blah blah) i nearly did 'conform' whichever definition you've got of that. and had left, a red, a green, and a pink. since i can hardly deny it cause im sure itll rack itself into my conscience, i sat stumped on which combination of two i should leave on my hand. green and pink: too american eagle-like. green and red: christmas...which, when not at christmas time, usually drives me to running and screaming in the other direction, but since i suddenly had that strong desire to do the opposite of tara..it was a possiblility. and then pink and red: valentines day. now, i didnt come to a decision. but instead for some reason, my fingers were magnetically pulled to grabbing the green and eating it. so instead of doing the opposite of tara, i did exactly what tara would do. split up red and green, and go for the love-ly way. and now i have a strong desire to say: sick women. this is so weird. i wonder who actually read that. but now im going to move on to something that i cant escape. o ! and a profundity!, natuurlijk

i believe i have it stitched into me the desire to capture europe, not just in a couple hundred photographs, but in this red beating thing of mine. just think of how much more interesting this all would be if europe was on the other side of that big wooden door over there, instead of stashed away by the millions of fishes between me and it.

i cant escape a bus stop. i saw a lady today..not at a bus stop, imagine that. she was standing on one of those almost-triangular things in between three streets. pretty much a jail cell for someone afraid to cross the road. since we were on a school bus, at a crooked intersection, i couldnt see anything coming up in the other direction..so when the lady flipped her finger and cranked her wrist a bit, i figured she was signaling a cab. with nothing better to do i kept my eyes on her. then a bus drove by. then she gave it a dirty look. then she turned around and walked in the same direction the bus had taken off in. she 'missed' the bus.

my own grammar throws me off.

and last night:

what have i got of you to hold on to? im writing with my pen that's your pen. freaky huh. i can still feel you shaking here. my sister says you're jumpy. you're casper to me. the friendly ghost. haunted for goodness sake. i swear you away. guess what. ive had this thought all summer that i have something that doesnt belong to me. that red beating thing. (unless we're fourteen and i live on juliet's balcony) the feelings that my heart has dont belong to a sixteen year old. i havent grown into my heart yet. tragic isnt it.

love,
easily amused.

ps. art class with lanar and john...ha, be jealous.

2006-09-10T13:36:00.000-04:00

i had four saved drafts. and now this.

2006-09-09T23:32:00.000-04:00

how in love /are/ you?

2006-09-03T23:35:00.000-04:00

timothy is off to university tomorrow. tracey is off to highschool on tuesday. and guess what im homeschooled!.
nope, im still at td. which means another year of...td. ha. um. i was thinking...who's gonna be on our grad picture posted in the foyer : vice principal, janitor, secretary, bus driver, or coolest grade nine of the year.? thats just under two years away. im safe.
so far ive started something new every year. grade nine was easy. everything was new. grade 10, i did the music council thing. plus the acting thing instead of the spotlight Joshua thing. plus the cool new friends thing. plus the wishbone thing. im bad at that one though, i must not do it right. grade 11 i think might be a little bit tougher to find new things. perhaps some new friends will come trotting along into my life. we'll see. but ive got the desiree thing, yes! ive got the back to my homeroom thing. ive got the missing nathan and all the other kids in music council thing. but thats really the same as my homeroom-back. ive got the upper locker thing. ben hartholt is below me...and he's so much taller than me. i feel bad. just like i feel bad about walking with an umbrella...cause its hard to share the itsy bitsy umbrella unless you're my height or shorter. ive got the potential jazz band thing-y. ive got the new badminton partner thing. (o gosh lanar;)!) ive got the bought-a-new-sweatshirt-i-can-wear-when-i-want-a-hood-and-my-bed-back thing. ive got the email thing. ive got the demented heart thing. and ive got the whap-me-on-the-head-hiss-buzz-floop thing. so maybe grade 11 wont be as hard as i thought...well, i mean the got-new-things. that wont be so hard. but really that all started with:
gr.9 - new everything
gr.10 - music council
gr.11 - jazz band
gr.12 - any suggestions?
i dont like my fridge, computer, or dishwasher. they all get quiet and make me feel rather awkward.
the clock says 8.32. my clock woke me up at 6.30. my phone's ringing.
this is so not me. i think ive burst all the 'me' on this 'me' thing im doing in bed at night. the, run-back-and-grab-your-memory-stick-it-in-and-view thing. killer i know.
readers and comment posters: i think i fixed the time. we'll see where that takes us.
hey look:
september 28, 2005
me:

my shoulder hurts from banging into the door frame one too many times
i like to know what that button does
sometimes i sing off key
on -- the french one
never 256
a loop at the end of my braid
one wheel
that tree on my front lawn that wont grow
a list like this
special words
a trip with an unknown destination
phone calls from those people who never call
singular sometimes and plural sometimes
quote on quote
i dont know
mittens
the absense of rings on my fingers
a rose garden
an empty corner
a full corner
5 senses
when people notice things that i didnt
homeroom just cause everyone else hates it, but im really not contradictory
squinted eyes
brown and green, but why dont i like turtles
freedom
grandmothers and rocking chairs, especially the one at mcmichael
antiques
class, not the school one
commas
round things that become "unrounded"
little containers
unknown reasons and reasons that are made up when its over
hidden thoughts, and metaphors, not simile
mistakes

september 29, 2005

Okay so the sky is blue, and I can see the clouds. But the sun went down over an hour ago and the streetlights are on. And I think Id say it were noon if the moon shone brighter.
So I’ve realized that the end of summer love and the abrupt need for mittens aren’t the only things I need to get used to as October decides to come around

2665AltX

and holy! im too smart for my own good. i like to look back and realize i was looking forward.
so here's to a new time. clink. clink. and..
love,
hiss-buzz-floop.

2006-09-03T14:21:00.001-04:00

________________________
.drow citatsce ,gnitacoffus ,dionarap .llewslovelovelove

paranoia. suffocating, ecstatic, affordable word.

wishwishsuffocate. ecstatic, affordable, swallowing word.

.drow gniredrum ,gniwollaws ,elbadroffa

afford. swallowing, murdering, generous word.crackle. what the...

swallow. murdering, generous, flattening word.

________snapsnapmurder. generous, flattening, pretenseful word.

generousness. flattening, pretenseful, fulfilling word.

flatten. pretenseful, fulfilling, sacrificial word.burnbaby

.drow detnarrawun ,laicifircas ,gnillifluf .lufesneterp
kisskisskisskissbang boom hiss zip tweet whaa whap pow floop

2006-09-02T23:45:00.000-04:00

i sound like:
whir,
whee,
snap,
buzz,
splutter
splatter,
plash,
ehh,
oo,
ahh,
whiz,
oops,
crackle,
floop,
pop,
pow,
bang,
zip,
crash,
huck,
bleh,
whoop,
whaa,
tweet,
clatter,
clang,
swish,
cuckoo,
fizz,
whoosh,
crunch,
plop,
clack,
thwack,
ding,
tinkle,
roar,
twang,
and hiss.

2006-08-29T20:18:00.000-04:00

tara was feeling classic

so she had some fun

and now she feels good again.

2006-08-28T10:44:00.000-04:00

("not /this/ again"
"i can't keep it away!")

2006-08-25T19:30:00.000-04:00

andy, i dont have a title thing beside my 'create' button. goodness...i knew i was technically challenged but when i cant even get the title to work...

im not going to bother with telling you all who does this.

If you see me at midnight
Walking the streets
You'll know it was me for I cannot sleep
I will try to explain these feelings that are true
Tell me what you think about being open,
About being honest with yourself
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
You have stolen my heart
You don't do it on purpose
but you make me shake
I confess, I{'m just} messed up
dropping "I'm sorry" like you're still around
I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late
And all these stupid silly songs
Keep trying to catch your ear
I'm trying desperately
It's just so hard to persevere
And even if you listened
I never had much to say
Cause it's the same old song
I'm written for the day
did anyone try to hard
well I guess I did
I guess I did alright
she'll break my heart (x2)
isn't it alright
why cant it be
just this once alright
it will be, you and me
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
This is the way that I can't describe anything I’ve felt for a while.
It’s just a little too much to take.
With you, every day is Saturday
With you, Every word you say is like a song
With you well, everything is obvious
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Well I found you, I found you
I found you, Hallelujah
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide
Look into my eyes as I offer you my hand, my hand
But you've already lost
when you only had barely enough to hang on
I just want to take it off of you
we're all so young
We took a walk that night, but it wasn't the same
i needed you all the way
now if you don't mind
I'll say it straight and plain
I know I've made mistakes
I've always been afraid
I've always been afraid
I'm done, there's nothing left to show
I try but can't let it go
Who will save us?
This can't go on, without the meaning in the rhyming.
Can you save, can you save us?
Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now
Been thinking about you
And there's no rest
Should I still love you
Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel
remember she asked you
remember to breathe
and everything will be okay
I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
'Cause i been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for
Any more than me
We're both pretty sure
Neither one can tell
We seem difficult
What we got is hard as hell
I should know
Who I am by now
Thinking of winter
Your name is the splinter inside me
While I wait
And I remember the sound
Of your November downtown
And I remember the truth
A warm December with you
But I don't have to make this mistake
And I don't have to stay this way
If only I would wake
The walk has all been cleared by now
Your voice is all I hear somehow

--------------------------------------------------
im going to my coooool grandma's cottage now. ill be back on sunday late late at night. hoping to--

chase down and catch some shut-eye
paint my shorts..that i couldve spent three hundred dollars on..but figured id do it myself
talk to my grandma, havent seen her in a very short/long month
fix up my tan, which is fading with every rainy day
run
play on a swing
read to kill a mockingbird, which i wiiiilll return
remember a couple things, and unconfuse. dot.
talking to tracey about the awesome-ness of td. probably more for my enjoyment than hers..i cant wait for her to comeeeeee. she's already setting aside and tossing in little rules 'bout what i can and can not do. cant embaress her (i wont get into details..but i tell you, did she ever.;)), cant ask her to tie my shirt or adjust my tag, or tell me what colour gum is stuck in my hair, cant introduce her to a million and one people, cant hug her exessively (and def. noot in the first couple weeks), cant tickle her, cant memorize her locker combination and use it, cant get her in trouble. man...its a wonder im still alive. but i caaaann still talk to her..so im safe. (8)(8)(8)(8)(8)(8)(8)(8)(8)(8)(8)

love from this home-sick, love-sick, crayon-sick, seeing-sick, art-sick, agenda/calendar-sick, kiss-sick, giggle-sick, definite-sick, definitely sick young girl,
missy lue, missy lue. i love you.

2006-08-22T15:14:00.000-04:00

can
he d
ance? once upon a time, the
re was a young girl living far away fro
m home. when the stars were l
it she dreamed about silly thi
n
gs like red valentines cards and poodle skirts. and

with the sun, she dre
amed of the golde
n s
treet
s of home. wi

th th
ose silly

dreams running through her head, and her he
ad resti
ng on his chest, she smiled at him and he dan
ced with her and they lived happily ever after in a fast forward v
ersion of the story.

love a jewel under stinging nettle, marked with an 'x' and entrusted to another of its kind.
a little bit scarily wonderful.

love,
teej

2006-08-20T22:06:00.000-04:00

hey, suddenly i felt regret. (planning on ignoring that), ive learned right? ...right?
right, i learned; waiting it out.
rewind?
how many of you can seperate your mind from your heart?
of those who can, who uses it?
of those who do, why?

aselin debison - to say goodbye to you

Wish I could whistle down the Northern Lights
And send them dancing all across the night
Maybe then when all the sky was blazing
Maybe then I’d feel you somewhere
gazing at a star,
And you could feel me too
as I say goodbye to you

It breaks my heart in two, to say goodbye to you
Wish time could turn us back to yesterday
The gods above would look the other way
Maybe then we still could laugh together
Maybe then it could be spring forever and a day
But I must face the truth and say goodbye to you
It breaks my heart in two, to say goodbye to you

Wish I could whistle down the Northern Lights
And send them dancing all across the night
Maybe then in my memories for saving
One last time you’re on the hill waving from afar
One last glance or two and I’ll say goodbye to you
It breaks my heart in two, to say goodbye to you

love,
missy lue.

tracey is an inch taller than me. timothy is a foot taller than me. im 5'3 and a 1/2. (i grew a whole half inch!)

mi. I'll see him in dreams, he's getting to me - by andy, 'she' flipped to 'he'. (words to haunt)'credit where credit is due'
at 10.00. everyone here was in bed. except for tara...who was originally planning for 10. but then flipped to 10.30. cause she was still typing emails. then she flipped to 11.00 cause of this silly little thing behind her eye and between her ears.
hint to self: if im in bed by 10.00, my head doesnt do that tricky thing called flipping. it flips everything past 10.00 on some days..and past 10.30 some days. does anyone actually count sheep?
im good enough that i can press shift and the question mark key at the same time and still get a question mark. phew!;)

mmi. ever get that thing where the second time everything makes more sense? /i/ get that thing where the second time everything makes more sense. they say ill grow out of it...correction.../i/ say ill grow out of it.
archives are a young girls worst nightmare. i read through all sorts of archives. some on blogs. some in letters. some in my desk. some in my mind. and last but not least, some in my heart. those archives and the past-10.00 thing ...they worked together to perfecte the thing where the second time everything makes more sense.
ctrl.

2006-08-17T21:39:00.000-04:00

Besloten Club.

im smiling.
real, live fairytale: a little make believe princess in her real live palace.:
goodmorning. goede morgen.
hey, what's a friend? cause i found myself one and i wanna know what he is.
dictionary says: A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.
eh joh(a)n! you never told me you were a quaker! (learn something new every day)

im still smiling.

kunt u dat nog even herhalen?
im still smiling.

**new game: see how close you can get to someone in 3 and a half weeks. then see how quickly they leave.** (i couldnt resist pictures, but i made them small)

'woorden zonder woorden

en we lezen elkaars ergenissen

en naar elkaars gedachten hoeven wij allang niet meer te gissen'

'and we dont have to guess for each other's thoughts because we know them so well.'
-de kast-

still smiling

i know im sick when:
1000+ pictures still isnt half as many as i shouldve taken.
1 hour isnt near long enough
im crawling on the underside of the universe
yes and no both mean yes
pessimism becomes a disease
and im still smiling

im not feeling very creative..but a promise is a promise, so this is what we're stuck with.;)

eh joh(a)n! spelt it right this time ..hehe
love,
tickle joy
;)

2006-08-09T22:17:00.000-04:00

from the personal notebook of a sixteen year old Try-Too-Hard.
Inside Scoop.(IS for short) - when writing is frowned upon.

1. waiting for someone to come 'round the corner and let me run to them and they spin me. when: we were staring at the sky and saw a shooting star and he spun me, picked me up and spun me.

2. dont let me be a burden. ta ya and ya.

3. boys are sensitive too.

4. sitting 'round the fire: one's humming, he stops and the other whistles, she stops and i sing. thats a summary of the joy transfered. joy circulated up and around every language {broken} barrier.

5. a tent of any size is an excellent place to write a story. that being said, i have to justify in my mind and therefore on paper why i am two feet from a tent and not in it, writing. three reasons: my tent zipper is broken, im on an anti-anti-social streak, and the sun is finally come alive. (at nearly the same time as i bought my sunny yellow rainjacket, whish is another story, which goes like this: it starts with a little bit...a lot...of pouring rain, and me without a raincoat. when im at the point where my hair is sticking up in little frizzy curly cues, which im told are cute, but which /i/ think are positively revoltin. or maybe not quite that positive, but at least a little bit icky. i run towards the nearest shelter. which just happens to be, fortunetly and quite conveniently enough, one of those log cabins with a red painted sign, that, if you read between the lines says, "i sell raincoats to all the weary and borken hearted, catch me if you can!" while im waiting for the strom to run along, i try on every shape, colour, and size raincoat that this little...big...outfitters holds. of course i despise them all, but as it continues to pour, i become more and more desperate and settle for a bright, but soft, yellow raincoat. i prepare myself for my next, undesired shower, and pretend to scan the tag on the sleeve of my new, /also/ undesired, jacket. the door slams and my head bogs right off the heart of another. the other tells me that in all of the rain, i am the sun in my yellow rainjacket. now answer me this: why is that so reoccuring, but as well, undesirable in amongst all the other lies...or perhaps not lies, but hasty expressions of slow-coming truth?

6. i wandered off, probably in search of solitude. had my head down on the ground but still tripping over the roots as my mind was floating around in a little story of its on. also tripped on a rotten board, hopped around, compared my foot size to the size of the wet foot print on the same rotten board, and pondered on the background of my little story...which i would tell if i could remember the details. then i lost myself on a log, threw away my map, and found peace.

peace is when my head's story ends and when my innocent thoughts of when i lived witout and before certain people in my life and lo ve and hate they brought and before those silly teenage doubts fill my head return. found a pretty something that stuck from the water, then reflected in the same water, creating a beautiful star that im sure the group of seven must have found, stole my thoughts from the future, and my eyes, and painted.

7. call the national gaurd if you bit a lip, breath wakened air past midnight.

8. face it honey, love lies across the ocean.

9. 'say the first thing in your head when you see me.' - snow patrol

10. everyone has their safe topics...which provide the edges of their necessary sheiled. behind the sheild, truth grasps the sheilds handhold. if you're skilled enough, have the proper knights training, you may be able to wiggle the sheild from your opponent and thus be presented with a vulnerable, perhaps cowardly, perhaps brave, child. but no matter how cowardly or brave, still a child. now if you're this childs perfect knight. (step right up) you may even be presented with the opportunity to be elevated high enough to be knighted a safe knight. the childs safe knight.

11. confrontation is the most difficult with:
a)people you dont know
b)people you're associated with through your parents
c)people older than you
d)people who hate confrontation
e)people younger than you

12. T or F. : it's better to accept someone for their faults and accept their faults than to confront them with you "dissatisfaction" ((exaggerated))

13. Tara Joy prefers a:
a)sunset
b)sunrise

14. words without words. woorden zonder woorden - de kast

15. new game: see how close you can get to someone in 3 and a half weeks. then see how quickly they can leave.

eh john!,
tickle joy.

2006-08-07T23:07:00.000-04:00

come see tara joy faint at first glance. doors open when you ring the doorbell.

2006-07-21T12:25:00.000-04:00

there was something really ugly here but i saved the most important part.

a shout out to those of you who i havent talked to, or laid eyes on in a long time!

2006-07-09T13:53:00.000-04:00

dont be afraid to ask me later. i wont shut down.

what does it feel like to be one step away from understanding?
she's one step away from what she wants. she sits in the corner of her bedroom listing off everything she should be doing to get to where she wants to be. for some reason its so easy for her to say, ill be there, than to actually be there. its so much harder to say it than feel it. she can count to three too, she can count to three words. she likes him, she loves him, she cant get enough of him. heaven is here and silence is heaven, silence would be okay as long as he holds her hand. the moments she's in would no longer be moments she wishes she could share with him, because he'd be those moments. he doesnt know how much she wants to hear the same from him. how she wishes she'd loved you the way she does now, when she had the chance for a replied letter. if this is God's way of teaching her to love, she'd swear she's learned and would swear for him and her together.

what does it feel like to put so much effort into something that isnt gonna work anyway?
she's a silly little girl of 16. she keeps pretending to herself, tricking herself into thinking that 'tomorrow will be better' but it really wont be and she knows it. every effort she puts out there is just wasted breath on love. she has a silly little way of telling stories packed with misconceptions that she believes. silly isnt it. itd be nice if someone would tell her to give up. maybe she'd cry for a while. maybe she'd cry for a long while, probably. but at least then she'd be okay in time instead of walking around feeding on packs of lies and false hopes.

what does it feel like to be so close to something that you lose sight of it?
she's so focused on where she's heading towards that when she gets right next to it and the last step depends on one word, her one word, she cant remember what the word is and what she was thinking when she discovered that was all she needed to end it up.

what does it feel like when the one thing you want so badly is the one thing that hurts?
she's so intent and analytical because she's trying to search out every clue that could lead to a pretty conclusion. she's so intent because she doesnt want to miss a single bit of who she loves. but then of course she's so intent on finding every little clue that she's driving herself to the grave, to her incrazy grave of what-she-aint-got.

what does it feel like to get all that?
it feels like ouch.

and now:
that took way too long

i flip aside my collection of profundities, which is really quite a small list, rather terse at that, and settle with flicking at my bobble head at the back of my drawer until it dawns on me that i was searching for my wallet. i steal my wallet out from under the bobble head
and head
towards the head
of my bed.
i stand perfectly still as to not disturb my thoughts, weighing out which jacket works best for the occasion, o such serious thoughts that i would need to stand still. i settle for my yellow jacket, slip on my heels, toss a mint onto my pillow for later, and step over the threshhold. on my way out the door, i hit my head on the doorframe which is really just a rock and another rock, well, just a line of rocks. a subtle stream of nausea comes over me, but of course i ignore it.
being the night person i am, i pull out my sunglasses to make it darker. misconceptions are such bliss. (and thus,) i am on my way to my irish pub.

love,
ztara

2006-07-02T22:31:00.000-04:00

you're just blowing my mind again.
im going for the non-vague-ness here. follow suit?

im feeling rather undecided. partly cause no one seems to be able to explain things to me. but im really not as hard to talk to as you think. go out on a limb, fall off the plank, its okay, we both know how to swim. (unless you never took swimming lessons cause that /could/ present a bit of a problem, but its pretty obvious you're a natural, you seem to excel at anything else you try)

i saw a lady today who matched her house. picture this:
black driveway, white house, black shingles, yellow trim, blue door.
now picture this:
the lady was standing in the middle of her driveway..the blllaack driveway and she was wearing a blue shirt and a yellow scarf around her head. (she was super cool).
someone take a picture of that.

2006-06-29T15:13:00.000-04:00

part of the act:
Job 2:1-10
music: is hearing other peoples words in your head, playing around with them, and relating to them.
1 On another day the angels cam to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came
pentagons: {are triangles.} are stars. when stars fall, they break down houses, they open holes for hide-and-SEEK.
with them to present himself before him. 2 And the Lord said to Satan, "Where have you
a house: is safety. its a big gift wrapped up in fool-layers with a kid in the middle.
come from?"
a gift: is fool proof evidence of love.
Satan answered the Lord, "From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it."
fools: are clear mistakes that dont want to be changed or charged, hidden mistakes that uncover at all the wrong times.
3 Then the Lord said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on
a year: is a great way to look back on your goods and a horrid way to look back on your bads. {you = vous}
earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. And he
horrid: is those dreams after big events, the ones that scream.
still maintains his integrity, though you incited me against him to ruin him without reason."
screams: are childrens storybooks for the adult.
4 "Skin for skin!" Satan replied. "A man will give all he has for his own life. 5 But stretch out
an adult: is one who can instruct wisely
your hand and strike his flesh and bones, and he will surely curse you to your face."
one: is me
6 The Lord said to Satan, "Very well, then, he is in your hands; but you must spare his life."
five: is us
7 So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord and afflicted Job with painful sores from
us: is a pentagon
the soles of his feet to the top of his head. 8 Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and
a pentagon: is hell.
scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes.
fools gold: is pretty but fake.
9 His wife siad to him, "Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!"
look who's alone now, its {not} me, its {not} me.
10 He replied, "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not
gotta ask yourself the question: where are you now?
trouble?"
solved-in need of sharing on demand.
In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.
what can you do on demand?
(click click, sorry for the clicking)
hero: is a man like Job.

2006-06-29T12:24:00.000-04:00

its hailing
now its thunderstorming
holy!
how lovely
annd its sunny
and my roof is steaming
and its still thunderstorming

2006-06-25T21:41:00.000-04:00

if you had to do it over, would you fall in love with yourself again?
we like someone because, we love someone although.
faults are thick when love is thin.
work is love made visible.
we may give without loving, but we cannot love without giving.

~apples of gold~

2006-06-24T15:19:00.000-04:00

couple things from the year.

go down down down. and there's a picture of john here. only this is 2 years earlier. wheeoahh!

mental block

camping with eblock

grotto...its sideways. no idea why

'singing sands...or was it sinking sands?'

canoeing

eric - fire man

caveeee

lama glama

bird count. ha ha

band trip -- pictures areee in reverse order. ..tube-y thing
(sorry to whoever wanted my pictures. my msn thing wont stick them on..but im wooorking on it. slowly. slowly. so here's a few for now)

pirattte

glorious frenchness

red rose

candle man & nathan man

super-dupper-upper supper time

YELLOW BENCH!

mique & katie-lyn with bus driver pins

LL et moi with bus driver pins

erika & mandy with bus driverrr pins

bus driver pins!!

last place we played at. jo & beth

'tis john

LL beth & kim

m-orning. they were singing something...right jo?

swear we've been here before...

first place we played at

LL, kathleen, eskala, cute cute

batman bandaids

choral fest, rachelle et moi

2006-06-21T16:29:00.000-04:00

not dead yet

what i really want to say - steven curtis chapman

'cause what i really want to say
is what the sun would say to the sky
for giving it a place to come alive
but my words get in the way
of what i really want to say
oh, what i really want to say

...keep listening.

this looks like...
(a) yesterday
(b) tomorrow
(c) last week
(d) zipppp-o

love,
missy lue

dear dave harolds,

gotta love dear dear friendship eh.
you know, i dont know much 'bout you dave. im always doin' the talkin'. i got some questions for you:
what's your middle name?
how old are you?
do you mind me asking?
what's it like to be a paralytic?
or a scam artist?
or how 'bout both?
what's your favourite colour?
are ghosts colourblind?
does that mean you're colourblind?
can i show you off?
do you take pictures in photo booths?
how many times does it take you to fix the doorframe?
do you speak english?
can you teach me spanish?
when can you come to tea?
where /are/ you?

love your dear,
friendship.

ps. found my play script